Her: "Honey, we need to talk about our relationship,"
Him: "I thought you’d never ask!" or, "I’ve been dying to share my feelings about our life together, and I especially want to hear how you feel about us and how you want me to change,"
Girls, women, ladies.. dream on, get realistic. The five words a man dreads most are, "Honey, we need to talk." He definitely won’t give the answer I wrote above. It’s more likely he will be very quiet and looks at you like he’s hearing a avalanche coming down.
Do you know that talking about your relationship has more of a chance of making it worse than making it better?
Women talk, a lot most of the time and women mostly want to talk about their relationship when they’re upset and want to feel better. Men mostly don’t want to talk (except when they're among male friends and it's about women or sports) because talking won’t make them feel better. In fact if his partner starts about wanting to talk about the relationship, it will make him feel worse. But when the man doesn’t talk, most women will say something like, "It didn’t work, because he can’t communicate. He gets picky, defensive, or impatient. He’s just not interested." And in the end both end up feeling disconnected.
(Disconnection lies at the heart of every argument , sometimes it's just better to empty a box of chocolates ladies)
Do we talk about the relationship or not?
Often, despite your best intentions, talking about your relationship has more of a chance of making it worse than making it better.
The reason women want to talk about their relationship is because disconnection makes them feel anxious and isolated and afraid. Paranoid sometimes. And women want a deeper connection with their partner and want to start talking instead of stalking.
The reason men don’t want to talk about it is because her dissatisfaction with him makes him feel like a failure. On a deeper level, he feels ashamed.
So in the end his shame is too great to allow him to understand her fear, and her fear keeps her from seeing his shame. And when both try to show their feelings of vulnerability to each other, by talking and not talking, all what will happen in the end is sharing disappointment and heartache.
Without both doing anything wrong your relationship can be doomed. If you don't understand in what way fear and shame can make you drift apart, make you feel disconnected from one another. Understanding each other’s vulnerabilities and learning how to manage them will give you a new perspective on your relationship, based on both points of view, which can lead to compassionate connection and a loving connection that goes beyond words.
People don’t get disconnected because they have poor communication; they have poor communication because they are disconnected.
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