fear of commitment

Fear of commitment

Fear of commitment is like having the feeling that you’re losing your freedom when you’re in a relationship. Your partner can’t really get close to you, because at the time it gets real serious, you create a distance between you two. On a moment you feel vulnerable.

No excuse
Fear of commitment has a lot in common with fear of abandonment .Someone who is afraid to be abandoned is really afraid of being committed to someone and someone who is afraid to commit is afraid to be abandoned. Both fears grow as the relationship becomes more intimate.
Fear of commitment is often used as an excuse to break up a relationship although it is a mental disorder which is caused by subconscious and emotions someone never could cope with.
Situations that may have caused this are insecurity and/or a painful past. Maybe you didn’t get any affection from your parents, somebody close to you violated your trust, you left home at a very young age, or your mother or other persons around you didn’t show any emotions. Consciously or subconsciously you’ll try to avoid more and new pain.
People with a fear of commitment have trouble showing their emotions and can’t give them self to their partner. Often the partner feels left in the dark and it looks like a game of attraction and rejection. Sometimes combined with constantly looking for someone else or even sleeping around.

Is it a temporarily or a structural problem?
Everyone has some form of committing fears. Doubt about a relationship and the steps you take are often normal. But sometimes the fear becomes structural and a predominant factor. Be honest to yourself and see how far it’s true for you;
-I want to be in a relationship but all that happens are short relationships. After a few weeks I start doubting my partner and I miss my life as a single.
-I often wonder if he or she is the right one for me. Maybe there is someone else out there.
-All my partners were too easy, boring. I want more excitement.
-I’ll end the relationship if my partner wants too much attention.
-On a vacation together? No way, I rather go by myself.
-I don’t want to talk about living together or having children. That’s a long way from now.
-I always fall for people who don’t want to be in a relationship.

Do you recognize some of these positions? Then there is a good chance you have fear of commitment.


The Mixed Messages: Come closer, go away
What distinguishes a ‘commitment phobic' is their extreme craving for love and intimacy and their extreme fear of it. While most people struggle at times between wanting to be close and their fear of closeness, the ‘commitment phobic' has an intense, extreme desire for closeness and their intense, extreme fear of it. They constantly give out mixed messages: "Come closer . . . go away.Life together, not living together, needing time on his own”
The two messages you get from a ‘commitment phobic' are "I really want and need all this closeness, but don't tie me down. I love you deeply but I need to be close with other people too. I want and need you to love me, but let go of me. I desperately want and need to be with you, and I desperately want and need my space. They get on the ‘push-pull' dance floor and you end up feeling confused, angry, frustrated and you wonder if you are going crazy.

Also women
Fear of commitment is often subscribed as a problem most men have. But that’s not true. Only women tend to call it that when a man isn’t happy about his relationship and hardly talks about it. That doesn’t mean that they have a mental disorder too, but they don’t show their emotions like women. Probably that will change in the future, because more and more men start to develop their EQ.

When your partner has a fear of commitment, he or she tries to create a distance between you. It takes a lot of energy and patience of both to change that.
Only when both partners recognize the fear of commitment, you’ll be able to make it better. You’ll need to support each other as much as possible but at the same time you’ll need to accept there will be some distance left between you.
Never lose your self-respect. You have the right to receive as much love back as you’re giving to your partner. But remember that every one shows en gives love in their own way. Try to find a balance between giving and taking.

Love is blind.
When we first meet that special someone we tend to deny and not see what we don't want to see, or we hope that those undesirable traits, we do see, will somehow, magically disappear over time. And it's easy to fall for a ‘commitment phobic. They tend to be open, loving and comfortable with self-disclosure. They seem to be good at intimacy. They crave deep connection, they want to love and be loved.
What do you do however, when you realise - too late - that you are together with someone who is a ‘commitment phobic'?