I work.. I need to.And in these days, i'm lucky to have a job... So I have to keep it. Bills have to be paid , especially with two big boys growing up who have to go to school. School isn't cheap. Books are expensive. And when you're the only one paying the bills, you have to work. And to get to work I need the car.. The one that's driving not very well anymore, almost not save anymore. But to repair the car , guess... you need money.. haha And therefor I need to work. Different hours.. sometimes the buses or trains don't ride on these hours.. and because you have to be able to work on any hours needed... I hope it doesn't get too cold this winter.. Because in two weeks I don't have a car anymore.Then I go on an old scooter every day, evening or night.. It's an hour drive then... Nice when it's freezing :P Schoolbooks are more important than a car. I'm sorry my sons that I can't take you to the party you want to go to , which is more than an hour drive, I'm sorry i can't take you anywhere to relax or go on a vacation... I have to think ahead... Save money for when the bills come in.
I feel like crap .. Am tired because i have to sleep in the couch for a two months now.. Bed broke down after all these years.. My muscles ache, my head.. but i can't call in sick.. New policy at the job. If you can move one finger.. You need to be there... Had an operation... But as soon as the meds start to work..and the stitches stayed in place, You can come back.. Work.. Make others happy and get the money you so desperately need...
I don't feel like smiling... But when I don't.. Believe it or not, people start saying not to be grumpy... or tell you they want to see you smile, otherwise they don't feel happy.. So I smile...until everyone went to bed.
When I'm feeling like crap, I have to act like nothing s wrong, keep smiling at everyone and go on taking care of others. When I ask for help, people tell me I can do it on my own, because I did okay every time something happened. When I think about me, people call me selfish or a bad mom. If it's mentally or physically, it doesn't mind. Have to keep smiling , even when I don't feel like it.Can't cry, because people tell you you act weak and you need to get over it... Other peoples needs come first. Forgetting about me. They don't want to hear you talking about your struggles, your problems, your feelings, your doubts...
But if you are still reading .. Maybe there is hope...
But what happens when others need help? I'm there, even when I feel like crap, am in pain, don't want to smile. I help, because they are in need of help.... and I know how it feels when you desperately seek for help and you don't get it, dont have someone who wants to listen when you get home... I'll be there....
